I haven't posted in here in a while, and I ought to change that. This is a thought I have all too often, and it's not like I don't have stuff that I want to talk about, I just don't feel very confident about it. Maybe it's a form of perfectionism, where I want my arguments to come out clean and structured, or something. Be it as it may, I find it hard to sit myself at the computer to write about my thoughts. Many of them are on the political side of things, looking at current events and whatnot, other times I want to talk about my garden.
Another reason I haven't written anything recently is because I have conflicting feelings about using the English language to express myself. I am ever so used to express myself in English, and moreso in a site where I know almost everybody speaks it. I've been on the English-speaking internet for so long that I don't know anything else, you could say I feel at home in it. On the other hand, I would like to get out of it, and I would like that the whole world stopped using English as the sort of "lingua franca" of the internet. I have a whole post in mind for making my arguments against English, but, yeah, that's another post. And I ought to write it soon.
In fact, I have all these arguments in my mind I would like to post, because I've read some other posts by other people, here and there, and I would like to contribute my ideas to this continuous reshaping of ideas that is going on and that the internet makes possible.
Which brings me to yet another topic: the use of the web. It is no secret that I despise the current state of the Web, and I in fact lament every minute that I spend using a bloat monster such as is, as of right now, google chome. I regret using youtube and, recently, facebook. I am prey to a form of cognitive dissonance using these things, and maybe that's why I keep dreaming of making my own environment to interact with the rest of the world. Why have I not done that? I suppose the answer to this question is complicated, but the reason lies somewhere between laziness and incompetence.
Recently I've been looking for something to keep myself... busy, entertained, working, I don't know. I have a hard time focusing on something, I guess it's what they call adult ADHD. There, I detest using these kinds of labels, but it does express something of a personality trait that is somewhat identifiable across individuals and it's usually described as such. Just for the record, I do not adhere to the standard narrative surrounding this term.
So, should I write? Recently I have been focusing on building skills, and writing is a skill I would like to develop, and as it turns out, I also enjoy it. What do I want to write for? I suppose I can expect a few different outcomes, some good and some bad. In reality, whether any of those actually materializes is not for me to say at this moment. I may make this post and not come back for another 6 months.
As for why I have been away, it's ironic. I wanted more away from the computer, and so I ended up finding my way into the smolweb. This seemed like the last step out of corpo web, and I was ready to get out of the internet almost for good. The next thing I did was spend some amount of time looking at facebook and youtube every day, sometimes the old chan sites, and, I lament having to admit it, speaking to an LLM.
And yet, every step seems like a step towards the exit. I have had a lot of time to reflect on what kind of person I tell myself to be, and it would be disingenuous to tell myself I am not a tech-oriented person. In fact, I can be so tech-oriented that I can obsess with programming environments for weeks! Which is also part of the problem. But as I continue to learn more about "myself", I can continue to adjust my goals and my time and my focus and keep trying to keep a grip on everything that I think I care about without losing my mind too often.
So it is that I write, I write every once in a while, if only to let myself know I am still here, somewhere, somehow, somewhat. Perhaps the next time I'll write another chicken report (how many things have happened since the last one?), maybe I'll write those arguments that I really want to put out there, maybe I will write some of my thoughts about programming, or maybe I'll just write another stream of thought like the current one, if only to get some practice with writing, of expressing myself clearly and stop making these disorderly lunatic diatribes. [edit, I like the word "diatribe" sue me.]
Whatever.